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“Svatopluk, Greenhouses, Train Stations and the Most Pointless Story Ever”



Okay. SO, here’s the deal. I am going to drop a riddle. This is a riddle that I came up with while taking a crap outdoors in the wild backwoods of Finland. It was winter 1997 and I was a little boy running around fields surrounding a large broken-down railway station. This was Prague, this was the Czech Republic, this was my home. I remember one day when my friend Svatopluk came to visit me after our 13 hours of trade school. He was limping… he said his ass was sore from being beaten by his drunken mother. He did not blame her, though. She was a failed addiction recovery specialist who was merely turning her own inner demons outwards, unleashing them and venting the seething pain and rage at poor Svatopluk.

Well, after Svato and I finished reminiscing about his sore-ass-story, we decided to make both of our asses sore all over… we went to the greenhouse. You see, next to my house (er… railway station) was an old abandoned greenhouse. I mean, this thing was massive and seemed to stretch on for miles. Nevertheless, being abandoned and all, it was super-fun to snoop around the place whilst pretending to be military agents and communicate with some semblance of sign language. But, what was most blissful was the sound of glass shattering as we pegged windows with our small arsenal of mini rock-shaped bullets.

Today, however, would be a day that would ultimately bring me and you, the reader, together. We had arrived at the greenhouse and taken our sleuth-like, combative positions. After the first silent signal dropped, the rocks went flying and glass exploded in a symphony of sharp sounds. Laughter erupted from both me and Svaotpluk and seemed to resonate all across the Czech land. It continued on for what felt like hours until a sudden and violent bang stopped all existence as it was known. I knew exactly what it was, yet I didn’t believe it to be true.

I have to rewind here for a second because there is one vital part missing from this story. You see next to my house (er… railway station) was an old abandoned greenhouse. Now I know what you are thinking. You are saying, “Dude, this motherfucker must be so high, because he said that same dumb shit like two paragraphs ago!? Well, dumb-ass… that I know! This abounded greenhouse was on the other side of my house… not the other side where the other greenhouse is. DUH! Anyway, this other greenhouse was said to be inhabited by a crotchety old geezer and ex-serial killer by the name of silent SAMUEL. How he got this name is a rather gruesome story, so I’ll just give you the short version.

Little Sammy Killaz was a small, underdeveloped, quiet and sickly boy whose parents emigrated to the Czech Republic from Bila Russ (White Russia). Sammy was a very sad and strange child and was always being beaten by his family. One day, Sammy had enough of the familial abuse and killed his entire family. Sammy was only 13 at that time, but he cut out all of his 3 family member’s tongues. Sonya (his mom), Albert (his father), and Melania (his sister) would all perish on that awful day… hence silent S.A.M. That’s that. Sam is said to still live in the house but, no one has truly seen him since that day. Nevertheless, as that double-barrel sawed-off, pump-action shotgun riffled one off into the dimming sky backlit only by the slowly dying sun, I knew it was Sammy coming for us.

Svato and I looked at each other, pivoted our nimble European feet, and ran like the tail-winds of a Polish hurricane. We ran and ran for what seemed like forever, I even lost Svatopluk along the way to a pack of hungry, Bavarian timberwolves. But all was not lost… I made it home, back to the safety and warmth of my trusty old railway station. I crept into bed and felt a giant blanket of calm and release slowly wrap around my body. Little did I know this was actually a punishing boa constricting sealing my fate… not a fuzzy-wuzzy blankey-wanky. All of a sudden, the door burst open and my old folks came barging into my room. I knew by the looks on their faces that I was done for. Sure enough, I was right, and this is how I came to write to you today. You see, as punishment for destroying the home of a 92-year-old blind and crippled, Vietnamese war vet, father of 9, and despondent 5-year widower (not the serial killer I believed I was running from), my parents sent me to stay with my great Aunt Attila in Finland for the remaining months of winter.

I hated Auntie Atilla so much and she had the worst breath ever. It reeked of decaying wild bull-frogs that had been placed on a scorching, sun-drenched porch in the deep southern swamps of Louisiana. Plus, she made me pooh outside in the freezing cold. I had to dig a hole in the 3-foot-snow and balance myself with one stick while fighting off packs of wild badgers with the other. It was during one of these days, taking a freezing dookie that I came up with this riddle….

What is both green on the inside and green on the outside? Has 3 eyes, smells like lawn fertilizer, and can copulate with every known insect in the world except for the African Honey Bee? If you can get the correct answer and send it to me before December 24th, then I will give the winner a free trip to visit every spot discussed in this article. No, really… I will give you money!!!

Remember, don’t shoot deer until the deer-hunting season is open!

Original title: “send me your answers… win a prize…”
Original post date: December 14, 2006, at 02:03 est