So, we hooked up with Lynchmada vocalist Joel Harris to talk about beer… a while ago. But we’re posting this today. Why? Because the band is freaking killer, and there’s never a bad time to post about booze. Said Harris: “Here we with some wise words only an Australian can give to you. You drink beer; you know what it tastes like. You know what you enjoy drinking and what you’d use to put out a flaming bag on your porch. I don’t need to tell you these things.”

He continues: “Instead, if and when you decide to make your way to our fair country, the following paragraphs are more about what the guy or gal across the room from you is thinking when you decide to partake in some of the usual brews getting around our pubs, clubs and restaurants. Some are foreign, some are our very own, but make no mistake; this will be our opinion of you.”

Crown Lager:
Rating: 1/10

Probably the most pretentious beer you can drink out here. If you’re drinking this on your
night out you either want everyone to think you are not only wealthy AND cheap, as it’s
the most overpriced swill to ever cross a bar, but you’re also hoping for a call back about
your audition to play that asshole out of Good Will Hunting. Not Affleck or Damon; the other guy… although Affleck and Damon are assholes too.

Hangover rating: 0/10

As you’re a cheap-ass, you won’t consume enough to get remotely close to a hangover,
unless you genuinely enjoy the taste of shit beer.

Sol:
Rating: 6.5/10

Coronas poorer cousin, although it does stand up pretty well to its more widely known
relative due to the fact that you don’t need an entire lime tree wedged in it to make it
drinkable, not to mention Coronas being forever associated with Vin ‘Slaphead’ Diesel and
those Fast and Furiously shit movies he likes to be in. Such profound words from the big
guy; “You can have anything, as long as it’s a Corona”. Stick it up your ass Vin, I’ll have a Sol
thanks.

Hangover rating: 8/10

Don’t be fooled, this beer goes down like a cheap hooker. More often than not, folks who
make a night of drinking this tend to wake up next to Michelle Rodriguez and a moronically
oversized spoiler attached to their 1990 VW Golf. So it’s not all bad…I’ve always wanted a
spoiler.

West End Lager:
Rating: 7/10

My God; just when you think you’ve endured the worst beers in existence, along comes
West End Lager. Fortunately though, everything else within 500 miles of this brew’s home
town of sunny Adelaide makes you want to take the final swing from the nearest, solid
looking tree branch so it makes it seem better than it probably is. A poor man’s beer, which
by Adelaide’s standards makes it upper, upper class. They may or may not serve this beer in doubloons at only the finest of South Australian restaurants.

Hangover rating: 9/10

Another one that creeps up on you, you’ll only know you’ve had too much when your
Grandmother asks you to stop trying to have sex with her tea cozy.

Fosters:
Rating: ?/10

Although this is a true blue, dinky die Australian beer, you’ll be hard up finding an Aussie that’s let it touch his or her lips, including this Skip. We make too much money selling it to you guys to waste any drinking it ourselves. This is rainy day money. How do you think we survived the global GFC? Three words. Fosters savings account. Thanks America.

Hangover rating: ?/10

You’d know better than we would.

XXXX Bitter:
Rating: 10/10

If you didn’t have hair on your chest before drinking a Fourex, you’ll be shaving the palms of your hands by the end of the first bottle. A real man’s beer. The beer of legends. This beer, by law, may only be consumed in singlets, stubbie shorts and flip flops. Anytime you have a Fourex Bitter in your hand, everyone in your vicinity, be it male or female, must be referred to as ‘Mate’. Drink this beer north of the border and you’re a King. Ask for this beer at any bar outside of Queensland and folks will look at you like you gave them herpes. Twice.

Hangover rating: 0/10

If you drink this beer, then you’re a real man. Real men are impervious to hangovers.

Check out the song “Green River” here.

Publisher, CEO, and Co-Founder - Born in 2003, V13 was a socio-political website that, in 2005, morphed into PureGrainAudio and spent 15 years developing into one of Canada (and the world’s) leading music sites. On the eve the site’s 15th anniversary, a full re-launch and rebrand takes us back to our roots and opens the door to a full suite of Music, Film, TV, and Cultural content.