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Album Review

3 Inches Of Blood

Advance and Vanquish (2004)

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Are you fearfully short of battling pirates? Do you require a robot with greater destructive powers and more access to the future? Are you lacking in legions of battle orcs? If you want all this and more, read on!

About four months ago I went to see a band play a show in Toronto. A friend of mine said I had to go and listen to this group because they sang about pirates, orcs, and the future. To me this sounded like Dungeons & Dragons being tortured by a 60oz epic space quest while axing down the Swiss Family Robinson (stupid f’n zebra!!! Argh!). Needless to say, I drank some brews and got myself and a few metal heads down to the show. Good idea! The show itself was all long hair, old leather and a band that was seriously pumping up my metal party; 3 inches of Blood… 10 light years of robot destruction with pirate cannons. With double vocals and lyrics as unique as their fans, this band is definitely doing something that no one else is; and I love that they are Canadian. Go Vancouver!

Their newest album, released in 2004, is called “Advance and Vanquish”. Released on Road Runner records, a label which boasts bands such as Slipknot, Fear Factory, and Soulfly, you know this band is for real. In fact, this album is seizure inspiringly good. And I’m not talkin’ put your wallet in my mouth seizures.… I’m talkin’ a delusional fantastic voyage to the black hole at the centre of excellence where metal is a space craft to the light of existence. Now that’s a seizure!

There are three things that give cause to such glorious medical anomalies. One, the double vocals of Cam Pipes; a comprehendible vulture like screech switched up with a queen-like high melodic wail (comprehendible is good so I don’t have to read the lyrics). Furthermore, Jamie Hooper backs these vocals with a growl that must require chewing dirt before show time. Two, this singing is backed up with some sweet guitar riffs and rhythmic drums of war with the constancy of bass. Three, the lyrics are rendered ‘must be insane and intelligent to listen to’. To listen to this album is to embrace that which is odd and relevant to only battles fought with will and black magic. You must have a constitution <15 and a wisdom <13 to proceed, if you are a paladin roll 1D6 to add to constitution, if dark mage proceed unheeded. “Mighty warriors with metal on their side, enemies of metal your death is all we want!” Ahhh… soo good. The first song, “Fear on the Bridge (Upon the boiling sea I)” lets loose the pirates! Yes, a song about gold, pirates and sea battles! Followed up with “Deadly Sinners”, this battle cry lets you know somewhere; someone just got challenged to a duel. The next song is called “Revenge is a Vulture” hahaha… yes it is. When you think about how brutal revenge is, a vulture is a prefect animal to pick. Ugly, tattered, and sinister looking so goes this song of revenge between two ancient kingdoms forever destined for war. Holy crap this album is amazing. The album gains some serious speed with “Dominion of Deceit”, because liars piss us off! The album continues with great songs and equally war rallying lyrics. I really can’t recount every song for you, because each one is an epic fantasy novel of destruction and pain: castles burning, premonitions of war and blood, knights of storms, and young heroes of war. But there are two songs on this album that will stand out in any live show, and when you play them in your car your friends will turn to you and give you that look of ‘are you going to eat my children later in life?’ The songs are “Wykydtron” and “Destroy the Orcs”. “Wykydtron” is the most glorious of metal songs. “In the year 4055 Wykydtron came to life”, yes! The song is about a robot in the future born to serve human kind, but revolts and destroys life on earth! While this song plays, it is required you stand with one foot on a pedestal and hold your hands up to the air as the glory of future destruction rains upon those who are less awesome. The other notable song “Destroy the Orcs”, is a song that marks this band; and probably will for a long time. If you ever go see this band live you will be required to chant along with “Kill the Orcs, slay the Orcs, destroy the Orcs!”; undoubtedly one of the more unique course lines out there. The album on a whole is exhaustingly good, but if you’re not into wailing and dragons it’s probably not for you. That being said if you don’t like “Wykydtron” or the idea of a robot bred for future war, then I don’t understand you and we will never mind-meld. Honestly, even if you don’t have the album, go read the lyrics online because they will challenge your imagination. The next time someone makes a Lord of the Rings movie I want 3 inches to direct, we could all stand to see Frodo have his brains mashed out by giant nuclear war robots.  [ END ]

Track Listing:

01. Fear on the Bridge (Upon the Boiling Sea I)
02. Deadly Sinners
03. Revenge is a Vulture
04. Dominion of Deceit
05. Premonition of Pain
06. Lord of the Storm (Upon the Boiling Sea II)
07. Wykydtron
08. Swordmaster
09. Axes of Evil
10. Crazy Nights
11. Destroy the Orcs
12. Phantom of the Crimson Cloak
13. Isle of Eternal Despair (Upon the Boiling Sea III)

Run Time: 50:39

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